Codependent? ME?? EEK!!!

• I refused to notice how unhappy I was.

• I used the pretext of hoping for change, or of coping with what was unchanging, or of letting the other’s minimal improvement, maintain my stalemate.

• I altered my behavior, plans or opinions to fit his current mood or circumstance.

• I did more and more for less and less.

• I felt hurt and victimized but not angry. (I never allowed anger.)

• I felt afraid and confused much of the time.

Wow, 18 out of the 25 listed codependency behaviors applied to me. This was shocking, embarrassing, shame-inducing… but ultimately information I could use to start my climb out of these behaviors. 

As helpful as Richo’s list was, his actual definition of co-dependency on the previous page (p. 59) didn’t resonate at all. He wrote:

I mean, I guess I don’t disagree but it’s not really helpful on any level. It gives me nothing to work with. It’s kind of like the adage, “Depression is anger turned inward.” Yeah… and… now what? What am I supposed to do with it? 

To make matters worse, I became hyper aware that most people use the word incorrectly in common parlance, often still with contempt, which just added to my shame and embarrassment. Here’s an example (though a non-contemptuous one) from a book I recently read:

I think she meant to say: “I don’t think of myself as being so dependent on others”. 

Applying “codependency” to me was confusing because I was not excessively dependent or needy on my ex. We were in fact both extremely independent people. Codependency seems to be not really about “dependency”, per se. So, what was it about, then? 

In those moments of confusion, I’d try to gain insight into the word via internet searches. Unfortunately searching for a good definition online regularly returned vague or confusing results, such as this:

Codependency is a type of dysfunctional helping relationship where one person supports or enables another person's drug addiction, alcoholism, gambling addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. [2]

Rather vague and not really resonating with my experience at all. My ex was none of these. Or this one:

                                            

Geez, so dramatic! It’s true, my marriage was dysfunctional-ish, but we weren’t “excessively reliant” on each other at all, nor were there any addictions (unless his workaholism counts).   

No, my behavior with my ex was more about fears of making him mad, so I would bend over backwards, doing everything I could that I knew wouldn’t upset him. I was keeping the peace, after all. I would also worry about him (and other people) and over-concern myself with his and their problems.    

Sometime later, I had an intuitive reading where I received some advice that specifically addressed the latter issue of over-concerning myself with others’ problems. I had been complaining to her about frustrations with clients and other people I knew. Since I felt I could see the big picture of whatever was going on, I thus could see what people should be doing but weren’t. I didn’t know how to let go and let them just be without worrying about them and their situation. The intuitive gave me a great tool. She said, “It will help to regularly ask yourself these questions:  

I had a new frustration though: whenever I tried to talk about the word and my experience with others, especially using my definition, I got met with a lot of resistance. This exacerbated my frustrations with myself. No one seemed to believe me or care. They’d practically argue away my experience. Which made me defensive, because it was so disorienting to be challenged like that, leaving me in a sense scared and confused, so I’d try harder to be understood which only made things worse. Or they’d get stuck on the word and defensively go off on a tangent about excessive neediness, essentially leaving the conversation because they were no longer present with me. It’s unnerving not sharing reality with those around you. If you talk about the word “depression”, for example, people generally know what you mean and don’t challenge you. You have a shared reality. I just wanted a way to describe the codependent behaviors where we could be on the same page. These conversations left me feeling so alone. I eventually stopped trying to engage, but that didn’t feel good, either

Fast forward to a year or so ago. I was reading an article about the difference between “wants” and “needs”, written by rock star Alanis Morrissette [4], of all people. In passing, she mentioned “those of us who are in codependency recovery…”. 

Codependency recovery? I hadn’t heard that particular phrase used before. But it made sense. That reference inspired me to do a new round of internet searches using that new phrase. 

The first site that came up was for a residential treatment program specifically designed for codependency recovery. But even their definition was super vague and not helpful:

Not wrong, per se, but could apply to just about any emotional disorder. How is the rest of the world supposed to wrap their heads around the meaning of this word, and stop using it incorrectly, when definitions like this remain so vague and unhelpful, even by those who specialize in treating it?? Sheesh…   

Deeper into this same site, I did finally find a paragraph that fleshed out some potentially helpful concepts:

The term codependence can be a confusing concept. [ya think?] The confusion can be complicated by the fact that experts may have different definitions. Some say codependence is a preoccupation with other people and their problems, in an attempt to get one’s own unmet emotional needs satisfied. Others suggest that it was a pattern of painful dependence on others and on approval, to find meaning, identity, and value. Another might describe codependence as a disease of relationships in which the real problem is relationship with self!

Ay yi yi! And yet, there were some jewels in that paragraph, bringing me closer to some of the deeper layers of codependency, such as: attempting to get one’s own unmet needs met, along with seeking approval, identity, and value from interaction with others, because one’s relationship with self is not strong. Huh. That all kind of applies to me and my experience.   

But still, why and how did I get this way? 

I found another article [6] that comes much closer to describing my childhood. What follows are some lines from that article followed by my commentary: 

Why, yes, there was with my severely autistic brother!! I like how they acknowledge it’s not just children of those with addiction. 

Why, yes, there were a lot of emotions pushed under the rug in order to keep the peace in my household (mostly to keep my brother calm). 

Children in such families learn to avoid feelings and emotions. 

Why, yes, I did! Learning to avoid feeling one’s feelings is directly related to not having one's needs met. My needs weren’t met because my brother’s needs eclipsed everyone else’s needs at all times. I gave up having needs which meant I had learnt to stuff away my feelings.

In adulthood, codependents look for approval from others to feel good; they lack self-reflection, a solid concept of self…

Hmm. This one’s an odd one. I have definitely never lacked for self-reflection! And I had a strong sense of self in some profound areas of my life. But other areas? I guess I didn’t and just wasn’t aware. A solid sense of self comes from having clear boundaries. I didn’t have clear boundaries with others and had no idea I didn’t. 

Why, completely! Because I learned to avoid (i.e. “not have”) feelings, I had absolutely no ability to negotiate strong ones. They used to scare the bejeezus out of me, and I would avoid them at all costs (except, for some reason, with my son…) 

Admittedly, yes, my weak sense of self and boundaries, combined with doing everything I could to feel safe, propelled me to inappropriately care-take and concern myself with others’ lives. Makes sense. 

Now we’re getting somewhere! 

Another online article returned a similar but slightly different take on the whole thing, again with commentary:

Why, yes! It follows my definition of codependence being “inappropriately taking personal responsibility for others”. And it reflects my childhood experience of putting aside my needs. 

As mentioned in the commentary of the last article above, I wrote, “a solid sense of self comes from having clear boundaries”, which I didn’t and didn’t know I didn’t. 

Hard to admit to this one, but, yes, I felt like a victim. I felt powerless in my circumstances. 

Why, yes! Why? Because if the other’s problems are solved, then I will feel safe because the others will be calm. It’s all about feeling safe.

 
Like I was saying! 

There it is! In other words, being personally responsible for only oneself and letting others be responsible for themselves is the key. It’s all about having healthy boundaries. It’s about not being responsible for the reactions of others. 

OK! With this new information, I could expand my original definition:

in order get your needs met, feel good about yourself, and feel safe in the world, 

In that same round of online research, I found that codependency can happen in “healthy” families, too, which was comforting. One does not necessarily need to be a child from a traumatic background. The following paragraph is from a review of the book, “Codependent No More”[8]:

I recognized a lot of these behaviors in myself and in my family, and I'm not from an abusive, alcoholic, or otherwise chemically shattered upbringing. I have good parents and I had a good childhood. Just the same, even good parents and a good childhood are no guarantee against developing unhealthy relationship habits, as well as damaging internal emotional processes… Nobody gives parents a rule book on setting healthy emotional boundaries with their kids, and kids that grow up in a home without healthy emotional boundaries become adults without healthy emotional boundaries. This can really get you into trouble when you start trying to form a family of your own, and is the reason why I sought out this book with urgency.

So, there you go. It can happen to any of us! Not just children of alcoholics or other addictions. Not just children with someone “sick in the house”. Anyone! This explains why I have seen over the years codependent behaviors in so many people I have known.

Phew! I don’t feel so broken anymore. I don’t have anything to be ashamed of. It’s rather logical that I developed these tendencies given my upbringing. 

It’s been quite a journey unlearning my codependent tendencies. I’ve had to learn to feel my feelings and identify my needs, both new habits. Then I had to learn to honor my feelings and needs as legitimate and worthy. Then I had to develop the courage to express what I felt and needed, scary! But I can do it now, not perfectly by any means -- I still stumble at times -- but I can do it. I’ve come a long way. My current partner can attest to this. After all, the very foundation of our relationship from the beginning has been all about being in our own truth, which requires both of us to feel our feelings, identify our needs, and express them, while not taking responsibility for the other’s reactions (or trying not to, at least!)

Revisiting David Richo’s “Checklist of Boundaries in Relationship”, as mentioned in the beginning of this essay, I can see I’ve made so much progress! Instead of co-dependency, I now exhibit what he calls healthy “self-parenting”, including:

• I now recognize when I am happy or unhappy [instead of refusing to notice how unhappy I was].
  

• I am encouraged by sincere ongoing change for the better [instead of using the pretext of hoping for change, or of coping with what was unchanging, or of letting the other’s minimal improvement, maintain my stalemate.] 
  

• I now can acknowledge moods and circumstances around me as information while remaining centered upon myself* [instead of altering my behavior, plans or opinions to fit my partner’s current mood or circumstance] (*unless I get triggered. But I now have tools for handling triggers, too!)
  

• I now do more only when that gets results [instead of doing more and more for less and less.]
  

• I now catch myself when I start thinking in terms of villains and victims. I allow myself to feel anger; I can say “Ouch” and embark on clearing and healing [instead of feeling hurt and victimized but never angry.]
  

• I now feel mostly secure and clear [instead of afraid and confused.] (When I do feel afraid and confused, I know that’s a sign to talk with my mate, and we do!)
  

Wow! Now that I can finally (mostly) wrap my head around the concept of codependency, I’m starting to run across people who actually use the word in a way that aligns with my definition! This is reassuring and validating. Spiritual dude, Matt Kahn, talks about a version of codependency that matches my understanding. Take it away, Matt!   

Amen! Vibrationally inappropriately taking responsibility for others’ energetic states. Not only did he use the word “correctly”, but also described a form that I probably “suffered” form as well, being the highly sensitive kid that I was and still am. Learning to differentiate my emotions from others on an energetic level has been a big part of my journey. Sometimes I’ll feel anger for no reason and have to step back and ask, “Is this really mine?” 

You know, I think the biggest source of confusion around the concept of codependency is the word itself. Whoever came up with the word really did everyone a disservice by combining a prefix and root word that doesn’t come close to conveying its meaning.

The prefix co- is generally used to describe something positive, not negative. Co- means (doing a quick internet search) “together, mutually or in common”. That’s not a bad thing; that sounds good!

The word dependency is neutral and can be either good or bad. There’s healthy dependency (perhaps called inter-dependency) and unhealthy dependency (such as addiction or excessive neediness).

Co-dependency should suggest two people who are mutually dependent on each other. Sounds lovely! Except that’s not what it means at all. To me, the root word dependency is the problem, because the issue is not really one of dependency, but more one about responsibility and healthy boundaries. 

Maybe a prefix suggesting “bad” would have been better, such as mal- or il- or dis- or mis-? And maybe the word responsible would have made a more appropriate root word. How do you like “mal-responsible tendencies”? No? Me, neither.

Oh, wait. Wait… I think I just figured out why this word was created: the codependent is the partner of the dependent. The word was invented in the 1930s and has its roots in the world of alcoholism. It refers to the partner of the alcoholic, the partner of the person “dependent” on alcohol. So, there’s the dependent and his/her partner, the co-dependent. Oh, I get it. I literally just got it. 

And you know what else? Now that I’ve gotten this far with my essay, I just had another realization, one that’s going to upend everything. It just occurred to me that there’s an entirely different way to frame this conversation that might be more helpful and palatable. Instead of the word “codependency”, I think we can talk instead about “boundaries”, or more specifically “unhealthy boundaries”. No, wait! Even better: “lack of healthy boundaries”. I’ve had to learn to have boundaries in the first place, and then learn how to have healthy ones. This concept is all about boundaries!

I’m liking this so much better. I even see that this concept has been swimming all over this essay the whole time, including in my revised definition:

Wow. This is good. I feel so much lighter with this realization! I feel no shame at all because, really, who has been taught healthy boundaries?? I feel in fact really, really normal in this moment. 

And I’m excited too because I think I’ll be able to finally talk with people about the concept and my experience and not get such strong reactions. Most people have heard of “healthy boundaries”. Even if they don’t understand what that means, it’s much easier to provide concrete examples that aren’t so threatening. They may still get triggered, but they hopefully won’t try to argue away my experience nor go off on weird tangents leaving me alone in a conversation. Or they still might. In a sense, I am also so much more at peace with the whole thing that it doesn’t matter if I get through to someone or not. 

I accept now that I am “one of those people” — not someone codependent, because that concept it too vague and misunderstood, but someone who lacked boundaries. I’ve had to learn them. I’m still “one of those people” because I’m human and new situations keep presenting themselves where I have to apply my new awarenesses, not always with success. I still slip up (though I catch myself more and more). This ongoing struggle is part of the human experience and probably won’t ever fully go away. 

I feel such relief. I can finally put this essay to bed. 

Thank you for reading the whole thing. I’d like to dedicate this essay to my former self, the one who struggled with embarrassment and shame for so long. I want to tell her: don’t beat yourself up for being a codependent person. Please don’t. Ignore that word. It’s not helpful. Instead, realize that you were simply never taught about boundaries. Now you know where your work lies. You’re no longer a victim of circumstance. Good luck! You got this!

–  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –

I love the ending of my essay and wish I could’ve ended there. But, no!! 

This essay was my “rumble” [10] with the word codependency. And what a rumble it was! It took me some years to write and was at times excruciating. I was so excited when I finally figured out how to weave my way into a semi-coherent beginning, middle and end.  

A mere two weeks after finding my ending and being all satisfied and proud of what I had accomplished, two additional angles on the topic appeared, and they were good and worth taking into consideration, dang it!  

The first came from sex advice columnist Dan Savage, who had to throw this out to one of his readers:  

Sigh. I have only a vague understanding of attachment theory. It has something to do with not bonding/attaching fully and/or in a healthy way to your parents/caregivers when you were a kid, especially as a baby. This results in challenges into adulthood with all relationships.    

How much of my essay is really about attachment issues??

I don’t have the wherewithal to dive deep into this one. On the surface it makes sense, though, at least for me: my parents loved me but were a little preoccupied with my brother! Combine that with what they brought to the parenting table: being of a certain generation and cultural background where you just didn’t show let alone talk about feelings! So, yeah, I probably didn’t fully get the bonding/attachment (via attention and healthy modeling) that I needed.

For what it’s worth, another intuitive told me a few years ago that my being with my current partner has healed a lot of my attachment issues. That feels true, though I’m not entirely sure I understand what that means. I do know that all the tools I’ve learned in recent years for communication and honoring my boundaries have made my current relationship work really well. I suppose us “working” as a couple is the healing piece.
  
But there’s not just Dan. There’s Alison, too!

Alison Armstrong teaches about men and women in a similar vein as John Gray taught in the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” – that there are fundamental differences (along a spectrum: we all have masculine and feminine parts) that cause all sorts of mischief in any kind of relationship when we’re not aware of those differences at play.

Even though I had been studying Alison's work informally for many years, I didn’t put two-and-two together until a couple weeks after finishing this essay, which was when I finally started taking her official online courses. I realized very quickly that what she teaches plays a huge role in so-called codependent behaviors.

In a nutshell, the foundation of her work is that our DNA has not really changed much at all since caveman and cavewoman times. This means, we often still respond to the world around us from unconscious primitive instinct instead of from conscious choice. These instincts cause both men and women to react and process the world around them in different ways. What Alison teaches is how to identify when instinct is at play and learn to choose something that is more empowering to all involved.

One of the ways instinct shows up is how women have developed a deeply rooted survival instinct to please and/or to avoid being displeasing. Why? Because back in caveman and cavewoman times, if a caveman was displeased, he could simply throw the cavewoman out of the cave and she would be eaten by the saber-toothed tiger. He was bigger and stronger. She was smaller and weaker and dependent on him.  

Now that I’ve become aware of this instinctual behavior, I catch myself all the time having knee-jerk reactions that cause me to change my behavior with my partner when I think on some deep-down level that he isn’t pleased. Because if he isn't pleased, then I'm not safe. Just like I teased out in one of the versions of my personal definition of codependency:

It’s actually kind of hilarious how often I catch myself. I had no idea! It's more than just culture and socialization, though that certainly reinforces things. It's cellular-level and happens at lightning speed.   

So, it could well be that a large part of so-called codependent behavior might just be cavewoman at play! I don’t think this instinctual piece explains everything about codependent tendencies, but it may be playing a larger role than we realize.

And we all do it (the masculine has caveman reactions to things, too) so all it really means is that we’re not broken. We’re just human. Beautifully human.  

More food for thought, at the very least. (Thanks a wad, Dan and Alison!) But, now, finally, FINALLY, I can put this essay to bed.

Whether it’s instinct, attachment styles, codependency, healthy boundaries… whatever it is,  the more I personally play around with catching instinct and setting healthy boundaries that involve honoring myself, the healthier I am in relationship to myself and to others. So, there!

–  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –  –

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency  

[3] https://www.recoveryconnection.com/NSYaZ/connect/top-ten-indicators-suffer-codependency (Page no longer exists. This link opens a pdf of the article.)

[4] http://alanis.com/wellness/the-difference-between-needs-and-wants (Page no longer exists. This link opens a pdf of the article.)

[5] http://www.thebridgetorecovery.com/overcoming-codependency.html (Page no longer exists. This link opens a pdf of the article.)

[6]https://www.recoveryconnection.com/top-ten-indicators-suffer-codependency

[7]http://oyedany.com/was-ist-der-unterschied-zwischen-mitgefuhl-und-codependenz (Website no longer exists. This link opens a saved Google-translated pdf of the article)

[8] “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie, which was surprisingly mean-spirited towards those with codependent tendencies. I couldn’t get through the book for that reason. Review found on goodreads.com.  

[9] From “Whatever Arises, Love That” by Matt Kahn 

[10] Borrowing a term from Brené Brown’s, “Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution” 

 
[11] https://www.thestranger.com/savage-love/2019/05/21/40266557/savage-love